Chief of Staff Infections: Top Corner Rod Hockey

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Top Corner Rod Hockey Game

Ahhhhh a tip of the ol' jock strap to Irwin Toy Ltd., the fine canuck manufacturer of the coolest rod hockey game available (besides that expensive one at the Howellson Ice Rink with the plastic bubble over it which fetches 2 grand on e-bay....).

Starkville, Mississippi: The year is 1998 and I had just received the written word that I had passed the National Board Exam to practice veterinary medicine. I, like everyone else who gambled on the exam a year early, was convinced of sure failure. Alas, I passed, and this is the happy story of rod hockey bliss deep in the heart of Dixie. To celebrate this event, my girlfriend Meghan (aka Pagan, Raygun, Magnum) and I had planned to go out for a swank dinner. As we cruised the franchise strip with a predinner giant Heinikin bottle in tow, our options were limited at best. Red Lobster, TGI Fridays, Ruby Tuesdays (giant Heinikin almost gone)...Toys-R-Us!! A half hour later we had shined the dinner plans and blown $80 on Top Corner Hockey, the most expensive and beefy rod hockey game available to minors and half liquored 30 year olds.

Aesthetics: This game looks great and thats why I bought it. The playing surface measures a roomy 20.5" x 34.5" and has all the demarcations of a regulation honkey rink. The vicious little hockey players are approximately 4" tall and are 3-dimensional. Think Star Wars figure on steroids wielding a stick. This a vast improvement over the traditional one-dimensional players that were only shown in profile in rod hockey games of the past.

Play Action: Oh sweet Jeebus, the action is furious. If this game is heaven then please take me now Lord. There are multiple passing lanes to work the puck through and after a short time you can really make this game talk. The key to domination in this game is to take your time and master moving the biscuit from man to man, like the geezers who have foozball wired, as opposed to frantically spinning your players around like dexydrine retards. There are no "dead spots" on the ice (places were the puck could land but the players could not touch) that have traditionally slowed the action of poorer designed games. Hence there is never an indication for a human hand, or any other appendage, to touch the playing surface.

Here's the real kicker: besides the spin-around action to propel the puck that traditionally comes to mind with rod hockey, this game has a new "twist". The end of the rod handle that controls each figure has a depressable plunger-type button that allows the little hockey players to bend at the waist, god bless 'em. Pushing this button with your thumb allows for the stick to swing through a realistic slap shot motion and hence the puck can be raised off the ice enabling you to shoot high into the "top corner" of the net or to raise a sneaky pass off the ice and over your puzzled opponents defense. This feature can also be used to launch pucks clear out into the living room for the cat to chase, or at your opponents eyes. Further enhancing this game are goalies that not only move side-to-side but also can spin and advance the puck. Also included is high peripheral plastic "glass" to keep the puck on the pond. My only suggested improvement for this game would be some sort of mechanism that would drop the puck into the face-off circle after goals. As it stands, one player must be in charge of dropping the puck to start the action and is always under scrutiny for dropping it in a partisan manner. You can imagine the drunken anarchy that ensues when a third "impartial" bystander (anxious dude waiting to play) is entrusted with this critical duty.

Durability: Like a newly drafted AHL prettyboy this game can take a beating. I regularly hosted Friday night games that consisted of no one under 28 years old pounding on this unit as hard as they could. The "slap shot action" of two players did eventually fail due to snappage of a small piece in the rod assembly. However, after a quick call to customer service I received two replacement players and rods within ten days. I was admittedly surprised by the promptness of delivery considering that I had reported the problem at 2 a.m. and had annoyed the service rep with an obsessively detailed analysis of their product. We hung the old hobbled players from the wall as a sort of retirement. The playing surface is also very easy to maintain. During most games booze would continually rain down onto the rink making it periodically sticky. This friction problem would quickly be handled by the Zamboni (Windex and my shirt).

X-Factor: There have been a bevy of memorable highlights from the first two seasons of Top Corner Hockey that should sway even the most cautious consumer to check this game out. Here are a few...

Meghan and I quickly evolved an after hours "strip" version of the game that usually left her tending goal in the nude and me playing shorthanded for repeated "high sticking" penalties. And then there was anesthesiologist Dave Rankin who could pound beers like a benchwarmer from Moose Jaw and was always up for a good beating from the likes of me. The one time Rankin kicked my ass I got so wrapped up in the action that I spun away from the table in the agony of defeat, falling into a big candle and lighting my hair on fire! We knew then that we had approached greatness: the game was so fun that a grown manboy could catch fire playing it. Dr. Rankin also had a nasty nervous habit of touching the puck in the heat of battle even though there are no "dead spots" as mentioned above. I ruled that this intrusive and unnecessary "fingering" of the puck was a penalty of the highest severity and decreed that I be awarded breakaway penalty shots everytime it happened. Hah!

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