Obsessive Compulsive: Calvin Pees

This Site Is Dead! Last updated some time in 2002. Here for archival purposes. This is where the action is.

It's not just Calvin taking a whiz. It's Calvin doing just about anything imaginable. Universal Press Syndicate is cracking down. lately there have been variations of the character designed to resemble Calvin but different enough to avoid legal troubles. Also, I think some kind of “extreme” motor-cross company might be involved. This appeals to the same crowd of jokers with “No Fear” and “Fear This”. I’m afraid of you all right, I’m afraid that you might actually figure out how to vote in the next election. You're such a bad boy, you should start a club. People will use any angle to get in on the cash cow. After the obvious targets like lawyers and divorce, there's aliens, Girl Power, cowboys, firemen, hunting, Viagra, you name it. And let's not forget about our hispanic-american and native-american brothers who have also gotten in on the act. Some people hate a guy who drives a race car with the #24 on it. Do I know who that is? Nope. Probably drives a Ford though, crazy old man.

Speaking of variations, let’s talk about the Jesus fish. First came the fish. It’s a symbol of Christianity that I’m guessing has something to do with Jesus producing fish out of thin air, or not. I never really paid attention in Sunday school, or church for that matter. In fact, during my last fulfillment of family obligations ( going to church on X-mas eve ) I was so bored that I actually started reading the bible. Ironic, huh? After the plain fish had been around for a while, some enterprising malcontents made the infamous Darwin fish, which is a fish outline with feet and the word “Darwin” on the inside. Historically, and despite their own teachings, Christians have hard time with dissenting opinions. It’s not enough that they have their own opinions. Everyone must be made to see things their way, which necessitated having a large fish with the word “Jesus” or “Truth” eating a small Darwin fish. I don’t think Jesus would approve of his name being used to infer that Christ devours those that disagree with him. For crying out loud, even the freaking Pope has admitted that evolution is real. They get around the whole creation-thing by saying God still created the original spark, and therefore evolution too.

The Jesus fish also appears with Latin (ort Greek?) letters that are somehow significant. Not to be outdone, free thinkers have come up with a range of alternatives, all based off the basic outline of the fish. There’s the obvious Satan Fish, a rocket with the word “science”, a flying saucer – UFO thing, a fish with the word “Gifilta” for non-gentiles, and even a fish with a guitar and “Devo” inside. I love Devo, but the Devo fish is kind of weak. Of course, I haven’t documented them. So by all means, send in you pictures. Christians don’t like any of them. I’ve had a Darwin fish involuntarily removed from my car. Not suspicious, except that there were several Jesus fish on the same block. I’ve also had afriend whose Science fish was destroyed. Instead of turning the other cheek, some Christians have chosen to fight urine with a little copyright infringement of their own. It's important that you know that they love Jesus and don't appreciate bodily functions.

Next Page: Armed Forces and fingerboards.

Who is Kilwag? Contact Kilwag.